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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2005.04.23  12.21 Been a while Well it's been a while since I have wrote in this, but I am going to start again, because even though I have a myspace, I want to write about some people but can't because they view it. There for I will just copy and past what I write on there and then I will make extra that I want to get out.. so anyways... yeah I just wanted to tell you that, well later people.. J-fizzle Josh

	2005.02.25  20.50 Alone, in the student parking lot of my school! Hello people, How are all of you? Well lately I have just felt like really sad and blah! Nothing really has happened that should make me feel this way, I mean, me and Chase broke up, but it wasn't that big of deal! No offence Chase. I don't know I even felt like that before we broke up! I don't know why, I just have been really really sad. Like for some reason I just wanted to cry. Obviously I couldn't because most of the time I want to cry is in school so.. Also, me and Krista always go out to have a cigg. at lunch, and we always sit in between to cars in the student parking lot, for some reason to me it feels so wonderful just to sit there while the world passes me by. I love it so much but I can't stay there all day :( I was thinking about one of these days that I want to skip the whole day and just sit out there! I don't know...Well yeah my plan for tomorrow, was to go to the club, but now I don't think that will happen because Krista basically bailed....well she said she could go but she couldn't take me I really didn't understand it all...so yeah..whatever....I was hoping I could go to meet new people and also just get away from Vancouver! Oh well whatever, sitting by myself in my room all alone isn't so bad, I gotten useto it over all this time!...Well yeah school sucks, life sucks, and I am single again! Blah people you should start making plans with me so I wont be so lonely! Well talk to you people later.. Josh! Mood: sad Music: none

	2005.02.22  19.46 If I knew what to do from here I would do it... Hello all, How are you, on this okay day? Well lets see today, I woke up Chase was still here, I got ready for school, then when I was trying to give Chase directions to go to the bank, while I was at school (Which he didn't do), my brother left for school without me. So I waited for my mom to get ready then she took me, I was a few minutes late. Oh well not like it is that big of deal! So anyways, in school, I didn't want to be there, all day I have been thinking about something, I guess you would call it kind of important. I have been thinking I want to break up with Chase. The reason is because the distance for one that is a big part of it. I mean he might be grounded because he got his car towed and had to pay 167 dollars to get it out. Already, I only get to see him MAYBE every-other weekend. I don't like that. So basically, I see him everyother weekend for about 3 days. Then the rest time we talk on the phone. Lately we haven't even been talking on the phone, we just call eachother then we just have it on our ears. I mean it is basically a waste of time. I mean yeah we will have our good conversations here and there but as much as we have the phone on, we talk about 1/5 out of the time. I was thinking maybe, we don't go out anymore, but when we see eachother then we can act like we are. I mean because that is basically what we are doing now. I just don't want to be committed in a long distance relationship, it's way to hard. I don't know I plan on disgussing this with him. He will probably read this as well. (Chase; I think we need to talk, basically about everything I just wrote.) So yeah, I just have been thinking all day about that. Then me and Krista, skipped our Advisory, and 6th period (For me that would be Science, her it would be History). Then we went to her house. We were there until her mom got there. Me, Krista, and her boyfriend, Patrick, all drove Ann (Krista's mom) to their cousins to baby-sit. Then we went to my house I got Chase, and some driving directions and we went on our way to go and find where in Portland the towing place for Chase's car was. I gave Krista the directions and she was reading them, and she made a mistake which she skipped a few directions and we ended up passing/ going the wrong way. So it took us over an hour to find where to go, finally we did and we got to the place around 5:30pm...Then we headed back, only I was in Krista car, and Chase was just going to follow us for awhile then go home. So yeah, when we were driving back, Krista, Patrick, and me all stopped at Burgerville. It was okay, I really don't like their food but whatever. Krista was paying so I didn't want to get picky. Then we went and took me home. They are/ should be driving Patrick home, helives in Salem, right now. I was going to work on my Credit Recovery class for History online, right now, but I guess I deleted the web-site address. So, I am just writing a long entry. I will probably get off soon, and go watch one of my favorite shows, The Real World, on MTV. It starts at 10pm though. So I have about 2:30 left. So anways, I am kind of sad right now, 1) because I know it would probably be better if I dumped Chase. 2) I kind of don't want to. If we do, I will probably still ask him to come over and stuff. I mean who else am I going to call, I really don't hang out with anyone (Nobody ever wants to hang out with me), and plus I have no one else to call. All I ever do, lately, is go to school, come home and call him. Sad I know. I fuckin' need a life! I am so pathetic! Wow, I just scrolled up to see how long this is, and it is really long. Oh well, not like any of you will read this, maybe Chase will, but other then that, yeah doubtful anybody else will! SAD! Well I guess I am going to go. I don't really have anything else to say. So later people! Leave a comment! Josh Mood: Pessomistic, Sad, Bored, Tired Music: T.v.

	2005.02.20  19.26 SHIT IF I COULD DIE I WOULD! Hey people, Well let's see I haven't wrote in this thing in a long ass time. Not like any of you really care. So yeah, lately I haven't done much, mostly go to school, come home talk to Chase, and then go to sleep. Last week I stayied home for a few days last week because I was sick, that wasn't all that fun but I did miss school so that was a score kind of thing. Blah, right now, Chase is over. We went to the club last night, and yeah we parked in a spot we park most of the times we go, and for some reason they decided to actually pay attention to where we were parking and they towed it...So now we are without a care. Right now if we got it out of towing it would cost about 158 dollars, but he doens't have that money, my mom can't pay for it now and he pay her back later, so we have to wait until Tuesday to get it out, and it will cost about 194 dollars then. Fuckin' A!I am just pissed, and I have been thinking about things and yeah I just don't know what to do with things. I want to get away, like in a way I want to get a way by myself, but at the same time I don't want to go by myself! Blah...FUCK FUCK FUCK...I am just very fustrated! I didn't really like the club either, most of my friends didn't go. Not like I really care. 6 of my ex's and ex flings were there. Mostly the bad ones, such as Sam and Jake, I didn't really want to see. HAHAHA IT WAS SO GREAT! Sam has a new Mexican boyfriend, 1) gross mexican, and 2) HE is HELLA UGLY! Not like Sam is all the great, but seriously all the people Sam has told me about that I have meet that he says are SOOOOOOOO HOT! Are actually SOOO UGLY! I mean yeah I know I truely have bad taste, WHEN it comes to going out with them....but I actually do have good taste like I can tell someone if they are hot, Jake is hot, Patrick is hot, Darreck is hot....I do know people who are hot. Sam has really bad taste worse then me! ITS PATHETIC! He is so desprate. Oh god, he actually called me Conceded. Me conceded.....wow the only thing I am conceded about is me wanting to die. I think he is get confused with me bsaically thinking "It's my way or the highway" and "Conceded" mixed. Yes I know I am very "My way or no way" type of person, which I don't care about, because if you don't like it then don't be my friend. I kind always find more. I just take it offensive when he called me it, because out of everything that I am and that I know people call me, I am not CONCEDED and I do take it into offence. If I was then I wouldn't really care but I am not. DUH I wish some people would just kill themselves. (SAM!) SOME PEOPLE! I kind of want to just go in my room and basically hide from the world, but my boyfriend is here. The thing I have been getting annoyed with really badly is that, just because my mom knows about me, she has to inform people, to me I think nobody needs to know unless some how it does effect them, which for most people it's none of their concern. Also, she just has to know about things. IT'S NOBODIES BUSINESS, UNTIL I tell them myself. Which not always will happen because I don't really like to talk about things. Duh I don't know I am just getting really frustrated with everything, and everyone....I wish it was summer, then everyday I could wake up whenever I wanted then just sit in my room all day and then go to sleep. I know if it was summer, no one would ever call me, no one would come over, so I would basically always be by myself, besides my family, which I wish would just dissappear! Doesn't seem like it will happen anytime soon! Also, on here, I have noticed I really don't want to read any of your journal, because 1) I am not really in tuned with any of you. 2) I bet no of you call me....(actually I am certain you don't) 3) None of your lives actually concern or involve me so what's the points, there are just lots of reasons why..So blah, I don't know why I still have an account..OH god like the whole new trend is to have MYSPACE which really sucks, it always has things going wrong on the site...So blah...P.s. I am writing this both for my Livejournal, and my myspace. To lazy to write a new one for both, you know. Well yeah there is really nothing to talk about now...So yeah I guess I will go. Later people... Josh... Mood: Pissed, Annoyed, bored, hungry Music: T.v.s and People talking

	2005.02.09  17.41 AHH SHIT! Well lets see it's been for fuckin' ever since I last posted in this gay thing! Seriously. The reason I haven't wrote anything is because I was grounded off the computer, it was for an extremely stupid reason but whatever I am basically allowed on the computer once again to write extremely long blogs so that all of you wont read them and get annoyied! HELL YES! Well lets see, I started going out with Chase Sunday, 2-6-05, and yeah he lives in FUCKIN' Sumner Washington which is fuckin' far away so I barely get to see him but I freakin' talk to him like ALL FREAKIN' EVENING my mom is going to kill me when she sees the phone bill (please come to my funeral) anywho! So yeah, also I have a new addiction, it is COFFEE!!!!!!!!! Hell yes! And Cold Frapaccino's you know the ones you buy in like minimarts and stores (and some of you (exspecially if you go to Fort) have it in the student stores). So yeah... hmm...Last Saturday me and Chase made our 6 times in 3 day record, and one time only freakin took like 5 minutes (we had to hurry because we were at his thing for his after school activity* and yeah ANYWAY!) so yeah..HELL YES TO ME BEING THE BEST! Yeah then I gave him really good sex on psshh what was that day oh yeah technically sunday because it was around 4 in the morning! Hell yes! GOD I AM GOOD! BITCHES! Anyways! So yeah, school sucks I was sick (still am at this present moment) and I stayied home from school yesterday! OH GOD I HAVE TO PAY 5 BUCKS TO GET ANOTHER SCHOOL ID BECAUSE I LOST MINE, if I don't get it I wont be able to get adments! FUCK MY SCHOOL I AIN'T BUYING A FUCKIN' SCHOOL ID. I might be getting kicked out of that damn school soon geeze what are those fucked up people thinking! FUCKIN' A! SO yeah...I am sad, lonely, mad, depressed, INSANE (LITTERALLY), slightly happy, and BLAH! nice huh? Anyways! I kind of hate SAM because he basically fucked my life up! Nice huh? No didn't really think so...oh well not like it wasn't fucked already! AHH FUCK! Wow a lot of valgur language HECK YES! Psshhh second semester started and now I have p.e. and it fucked up my lunch so now I have second lunch better then first lunch I totally like first lunch better because I have more friends in there but atleast second I have Krista, so yaeh I hate p.e. it's DUMB!!!!!! Like seriously!!! AHH SHIT! ANYWAYS!!! AHHH I AM SO ANGRY I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS I SERIOUSLY NEED COUNCILING! I AM NOT KIDDING I ALSO AM GOING INSANE LIKE SERIOUSLY!!! NOOOO OH WELL! What can I do....oh nothing! I should go drown myself in my bath tub! That sounds fun I will do it after I am done with the computer! BLAH BLAH BLAH Hmm this is boring now I will go now...you people should leave me a comment if you actually read this god dam fuckin' piece of shit of an entry! AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA AHHHH SHIT! MY SCHOOL SUCKS FUCKTARDS SO DOES THIS GOD DAMN WORLD FUCK YOU ALL! GOD DAMN BITCHES! Well later kids! JOSH! Mood: pissed off! FUCKERS! Music: none

	2005.01.26  15.59 Shortest entry ever...(from me) Well lets just some everything up. My life sucks, everything is going down hill, I want to cry like 90% of the time but hold it back because of reasons. I want to kill myself majorly. Hmm...that's about it.. DUH I WANT TO DIE! JUST FUCKIN' KILL ME! I hope sometime soon I will get Gay Bashed and killed! Please go to my funeral! THE ONE WHO WANTS TO DIE!!!!!! Josh Mood: Pessimistic, lonely,want 2 die Music: My Chemical Romance!

	2005.01.24  18.29 Why can't I get enough courage to make the final shot!? Hello Everyone, How are you? Well I know most of you bitch about how long my journal/blogs are and honest I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! Don't read, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! I write in here just because of my sactisfactory. I don't care if no one reads it, I don't care if you all hate me for writing so long. I TRUELY DON'T GIVE A FUCK! So well I am going to get into my journal and how things are with my life and shit like that. Lets see, lets start with Friday. Friday: At school, nothing cool happened, I went to Taco Bell during my third period, with Ashley and Holly! It was fun. I had to get Ashley and Tabetha stuff from Taco Bell, but I didn't mind. After Taco Bell me and Holly went to Coffee On, and both got Carmel Macchitou (Spelling). TASTY! Thats what I have to say about that. Then we headed back to school, I gave Tabetha her food and Ashley as well. We all ate in our little group. Then we went to class. After school I started to walk home then I saw Jacie driving she picked me up and took me home. I did the dishes because I wanted to on the computer, so I did and I got to go on for half hour. It was my second time I believe ever doing dishes in this house. Oh well. Then that night, I called a few friends, watched t.v. That was about it. Saturday: What an event...I woke up like usual, I think around 3 or 4pm. You know like what the cool people do. I just loundged around watching t.v. and listening to music, then at 10pm my friend Chase came over, we were hanging at my house, then like a hour later we were really bored and I didn't want to be home anymore so we went to Wal-mart! We were there for like 15 minutes then they said they would be closing, but re-opening in like a hour, 12:15am to be percist. So we left there, went over to my good friend Sam. I guess he ran a way. I do not blam him. His parents are the most immature christians I have ever known, they say things they have no knowledge of, they believe in something that they don't know much about, they live there life through there son, they make there son do what no other parents do. They are just rediculous. So me and Chase hung out with Sam for a few hours, I loved it, I love Sam, I love seeing him, I love him, that will never change. He has my heart and honestly I don't want it back. It was the hardest to say goodbye, because he was leaving. More detail about that sad moment: Well since Sam was running away, he called some friend that I don't know to come pick him up. When his friends were outside, I was in the middle of my living room, he was standing in my hall. I was looking at him, with my arms crossed, and I told him I didn't want him to leave. He of course asked why, I told him he knew, and he said no he didn't and ask me why again, I stood there for a second then said because I love you. We stood there apart from eachother just looking in each others eyes, and all of a sudden my eyes were getting really watery and I almost started to cry, like I was already getting that hard to breathe thing going and a tear was just about to fall, when my friend Chase came out of my room. I looked a way and rubbed my eyes so it wouldn't show any tears at all. I walked Sam to the door, and watched him leave, it was so hard. I don't think any of you have possibly felt what I felt when he left and when I was staring into his eyes. I felt something that me and him could only feel together. I know his problems, I know the reasons why he left, I know why he is so sad, I know who he likes, I know most of everything he likes, I know a lot of things he doesn't like. I know a lot about him. I wish I could be there for him right now. I am not there with him, I can't call him because his mom has his phone and also where he is staying they don't have a phone. It so hard. I want to know what's going on I want to know how he is, I want to know what on his mind, I want to know what is he going to do now. I want to know everything. The main thing I want to know, is if he thinks we will get back together soon? I do like some people, but NOBODY will ever come close to how much I truely love Sam. NOBODY! I am sorry for the people who I am currently involved with, and the people who I am interested in and who are interested in me. That is the realistic thing I can honestly say, I love Sam and only Sam. I will not give up, I will not move on, I will not turn my back, but I shall wait. I love him so much, if anyone doesn't like that, then 1 your not a true friend, 2 you don't care a lot about me, 3 you just haven't felt the same thing I felt. Anyways, after he left, me and Chase talked, then hours pasted, and some how we ended up having sex. It was good. I know what most of you are probably thinking why are you having sex if you jsut said how much you "love" Sam. The fact is I am not going to be basically apptidence for him I never said that. So yeah. I am weird yes I know. Then me and Chase fell asleep. Sunday: Then an hour later, my mom came through my door, TALKING TO SAM'S MOTHER! I was like what the fuck is she calling here, and my mom was like do you know where Sam is, he ran a way and his mom wants to know where he is and other stupid shit like that, and I just say NO! I will never surrender him to her, I do not care if I go to Jail I do not care if I get shot or put to death I will never do it! NEVER! Then me and Chase fell back asleep, woke up around 3-4pm like usual for me. Then we got up looked for food realized I had nothing and he decided he wanted just to go get some fast-food, so we went to burger King, it was good. Then we went to Krista's just to say hi but she wasn't home. Then we got to my house, and after 10 minutes Chase left, then my mom was telling me and asking things, such as if he was my boyfriend, and just other things, I told her the truth to the thing I answered, but the things I didn't think was any of her business I just told her It's none of her business. So yeah....she basically knows I am not a Virgin, I do not care. I am not a virgin haven't been for a long time. I don't care for the label as Sexually active I love sex. So yeah then I went inside and jusr relaxed, called a few friends, TALKED TO A FEW STUPID, IMMATURE, RETARDED, EVERYTHING ALONG THOSE LINES! Then I had taco bell for dinner. Then eventually I fell asleep. Monday: I woke up, got ready, then went to school, for the most part it was okay nothing special but nothing bad. I did go to taco bell once again, with Ashley, I bought her and Tabetha food once again, then me and Ashley went to Albertson's we were going to buy a 2 liter but decided not to and went back to school. When we got to school we ate then I got a pop then went to class. After school I walked home, I walked quiet slow, I have been noticing there is something wrong with me again. I am sad again, probably because of Sam, and the fact that I am just lonely, the reason I love him so much is because when we went out he only showed me love, he was the first person to truely give me that, romantically. If you knew me when I was him you knew I was like Happy like almost 100% of the time. I mean at school I was always up beat cheerful, I was perticapating more, I was just all around happy, and things actaully started to go really good. But then when we broke up everything changed, I didn't try, I didn't care, things were getting worse and worse. I didn't want to perticipate I didn't want to get out of bad I didn't want anything! I did want to die or get back with Sam, that's it! So yeah, when I got home I told Jacie that I needed to go on the computer, and she said no then I was like I have to do some homework and she was like fine no chatting and other stuff and I was like shut the fuck up (in my head). So yeah that is where we are now. Well I was on here and I found someones page and one of there comment are from a chick that says that they are going out. Well HE IS GAY! I should know. But whatever I wish them the best. Its dumb and it wont last but whatever have fun with whatever! I am getting tired of almost every guy and most of every girl I know. I seriously want to move and get ALL NEW FRIENDS besides Tabetha, Ashley, Sam, and a few other people. I truely want to move. Or maybe just get enough courage to actually pull that triger and end everything once and for all! Well I am going to go because I am tired of writing and I want to get off because I want to go sulk in my sadness in my room, and hope that I will die! Josh Mood: Pessimistic, Depressed, Lonely Music: "Shake that thing" by Seal Paul

	2005.01.17  19.53 Lost of love, lost of hope.... Well lets see... I have basically done nothing. I barely go out anymore, most of my time is spent in my room by myself. I guess that is what I deserve for the way I act with people, and just not being a happy person. I don't really know. I didn't go to school last Friday, not like I was missed, but I didn't go, I didn't feel good so I just stayed home. I mostly slept all day then my lovely friend Dani (Danielle (spelling)) came over and saw me for like an hour or so. She was meeting our friends over at the Van Mall. So she stopped by to chat for a little bit. I thought it was really cool. I actually found one person that I have not had one single bad moment, nor have had any arguements, or disagreements. Whatever we do it's so much fun. She is such the sweetest person. For instince (spelling), Sunday, when she picked me up, I was kind of having a bad day, and so was she. So she took me to Starbuck's and she bought me a Caramel Macchiato (spelling) and she got something as well, then we had a view ciggerattes, then we drove all the way to Kelso to meet Nancy and Josh. On the way there, we felt so good because we were with each other. Like even though we were having crappy mornings, when we saw eachother like everything turned into fun. When we were on the road driving to Kelso, all we did most of the way was just Laugh, tell jokes, make fun of some people, and just were having a few ciggerettes and just injoying the ride. It was so fun. If I could do it over again I would do it over and over and over again in a second. I feel like I should do something really sweet for her, because she bought me dinner like a few times, bought me Starbuck's twice, got me Ciggerettes, paid for a movie for me, and just hangs with me. I love it. It makes me feel so happy that someone actually likes to hang with me and all that we do always turns into fun. Nothing negative, everything just so postitive. I thank her so much for the things she has done for me, exspecially with all the money issues. I truely am thankful. I think she will end up turning into one of my closet friends. Truely. I am just in awww... Well anyways, Saturday I did nothing because Krista got sick so we couldn't do anything, then I tried to make plans with Dani but she was busy with her parents. So I just stayed home and I talked to people on the phone for basically hours..It was great. Actually by the end of all the phone calls, I was actually mad at two people. Like all of a sudden I just got so damn mad. I hate when people are mis-leading, ignorant, jelous, takes revange, childish, secretive, liars, users, cheaters, and just planning a Male. I am so surprised about how people act. It truely shocks me, people must think I am either ignorant or just don't pay attentiong, but I do, I sit there and listen and see everything that happens. I am in shock at what people do, what people say, how they react to things. It's so sad. I mean I know at times I can be some of the things that I listed, I do not deny that. I know how I act and how I can act at times. Come on though. The people who mostly come to mind are doing it like everyday. I am surprised no one else comments on their actions. It's truely sad. It's hard to decide what should I be towards them, sad, sympathetic, sorry, upset, furious, understanding, or happy. I truely don't know. The things people do. If there was a God (that is my perspective, I do not believe in one, if one of you do all for it, I am not putting him down just saying I do not believe in him), I bet he would always be sad, furious, and plan to start the whole world over again. This world has gone out of control, all of its Hypercriticalness, Sadness, Depressing times, the Hard Times, all the miss leading people, Rap, Crimes, lairs, cheaters, haters, all the discrimination, prejudice, war, the terror, the death rate, the diseases, the sickness, the killings, the weapons, just everything. This world is going down so fast, and I wonder if anyone is truely noticing. There is so little happiness out there. It's like you have to go out of your way just to find happiness. I just don't know anymore. I read people's journal, blogs, comments, just everything, I see how people act, I see how people change. It's so sad. I feel so much sympathy for this world. Why is everything so hard? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE EXPECT FROM ME!? You all of problems yes I truely know this, but I am sorry I have so many right now I don't know what to do, try to hide and try to fix by myself, try to talk to someone, or just to go and hurt myself. I don't know what to do. Then all of you come to me about so much. The ones who cut themselves, the one's that have bad lives, and live styles, just all of you. Yes I love to help, I mean I am your friend please come to me. When I try to help do not say I am saying the wrong thing, because you come to me for help, which I try to advise to but I can only do so much, if you turn me down then please do not come to me. I do not ask for a lot from any of you, actually for the most part I ask for nothing, I am not needy, I am not helpless, I try to do as much things by my own, I am a strong person. I can only do so much to help all of you. I do not know what to do anymore..I truely don't I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland, falling further and further down the black tunnel, or the were she gets lost in the Maze, you think one way is better but in the end it's just another wrong turn. I guess I will depart now. There is not much to say. If you guys would like, it would make me happy if you people commented. Thank you. Well talk to you all later... Love, Josh Mood: Sympathetic, Sad, Annoyed, Bad Music: None, Adults talking, and t.v. and keyboard.

	2005.01.16  16.02 Can people piss me off any more? Well let's see I haven't updated since Monday, lets start off with Tuesday. PS IF YOU BITCH ABOUT ME WRITING A FUCKIN' LONG JOURNAL THEN I WILL JUST IGNOR YOU FOR AS LONG AS I CAN BECAUSE I THINK IT IS FUCKED UP YOUR BITCHIN' JUST DON'T READ AND GO TO SOMEONE ELSES! Tuesday- Well lets see nothing really happened because I went to school, then I got home and slept the whole day. YAY FUN HUH! Wednesday- I hung out with Dani, Nancy, and Josh. It was so fun I loved it like a lot. Just hanging out with Nancy and Dani just make me happy, exspecially Dani, she is really cool just to chill with. She is very entertaining, and so far everytime I have hung out with her, it has been a really excillent time. She even is starting to teach me how to drive, driving is so fuckin' fun! Thursday- I went to school, slept in like 3 classes, not like I care anyways. Nor do I do anything. Later that day, I hung out with Dani, and Nancy, I drove as well it was so much fun, I saw my friend Jason who I haven't seen in a long time, it was cool just to see him. We only saw him for like 5 minutes because he didn't want us to stay because I guess his parents were being assholes (so basically parents. Then we hung out more. It got about 9:30pm so we had to leave to take me home and Dani had to be home. OH I TOTALLY FORGOT, Puma came over and yeah we just hung out, had sex, and then he left around 3 or 4am. Friday- I didn't go to school because I needed sleep and I didn't feel all that good. So yeah, I basically slept all day, then Dani was going to meet Nancy and Josh at the Westfield Mall. So she stopped by and said hi to me. We hung out for a little bit then she had to go to go meet up with them. So yeah I feel back asleep then my mom woke me up to give me Taco Bell. Then I did a load of laundry, then I watched my sheets, pillow cases, like 8 blankets. went through my closet, clean it, folded my laundry, put on my sheet, took all the garbage and dirty dishes out, and cleaned the thing blocking my door. Then in the morning I vaccumed it. It was cool. My room is all clean. Saturday- I fell back asleep woke up around noon I believe then I was up just watching t.v. and listening to music. Like usual. Then later I tried to make Dani come over, but she didn't oh well. Then I talked to Robin for a little while, then Corey for like a fuckin' long time, and to Patrick as well. Wow I got so pissed before I went to bed. I realized guys are so ignorant. Seriously I wanted to seriously shoot myself jsut to get the fuck away from all of this stupid and ignorant bitches. I mean seriously why do all of them haveto be so ignorant, misleading, liars, rude, and just fuckers. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Seriously I have like 3 males in my mind right now and all I want to do is fuckin' get a god damn gun and then fuckin' shoot them I am not kidding they are so AHHH! FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE FUCK GUYS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Sunday (today)-well nothing cool has happened my brother and his boyfriend woke me up by playing there guitar and bass. So I was really pissed about that, then I there was nothing on t.v. nor the radio. THen I was going to take a shower but then Jacie was taking a bath. Dani said she is coming over soon so I am just waiting for her. I am getting really bored/ mad! So I don't know...FUCK I am done with this entry FUCK ALL OF YOU AND MOSTLY FUCK THE THREE GUYS WHO I AM THINKING ABOUT GO FUCKIN' KILL YOUR FUCKIN' SELVES YOU STUPID FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK ALL OF YOU! Josh Mood: Enraged, Pissed, Bored, ANGRY! Music: T.v.s are playing

	2005.01.10  19.14 Will this thing called "Life" ever become easier? Well nothing important has truely happened lately. Let's see I believe last time I wrote in here was on Wednesday or was it Thrursday. Let's go with Thursday. ALSO people the reason I right so long of entries is because I don't really want you people to read. If you do it fine, but I know most of you wont read it if it is long. Notice why after all of this time you people still bitch about it and yet I am still not writing short ones. Please Catch up on this thanks. PLEASE STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT! I don't care! Honestly! Thursday- Well I was suspended, I didn't wake up until like 3pm because I just slept in what is the point of waking early to something that I am going to go do. My mom wouldn't let me go anywhere, I couldn't get on the computer. So all I had was the phone and the stuff in my room. No one calls me, nor do I call that many people. So I basically don't really need the phone. So yeah, I mostly slept, watched t.v., listened to the radio, and just took a shower. I think I already said this oh well. Not like majority of you read this so therefore it don't matter what the fuck I say. I probably could say I hate all of you and none of you would ever know. Oh well.... Friday-I stayed home from school, because I didn't feel good and also because I just didn't want to go to school. So I stayed home, slept, watched more t.v., listened to the radio, and took a shower. Sounds like the best party in the world HUH? Saturday- HOLY SHIT! lol...Let's see I had Saturday school so I woke up at like 8:30am to get ready to go to that gay shit. I went it was so funny I took a soda can and put like a few peices of paper, the whole "Life" section in the newspaper, garbage from food me and a few friends ate, some russians garbage all in a small pop can. It was so fuckin' funny. Then I got a bottle of Mt. Dew that Cody, Alonzo and me all drank and I started to ask people for garbage (If you know the rules of Saturday school, you are not supposed to talk, so I kind of brought attention to me and the plan was cancelled). I only got a little from people, then I had to quite and the whole room was looking at me weird, I THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY! I had to tame myself from busting up laughing. Then Alan, Lacy (the whore), and Whitney Ashley all started to make Farting noises and started to burp, I thought it was funny because the room was like DEAD sighlent and it sounded real so I just thought it was funny. The bad thing though that we were making a lot of noises so the guy made us stay in door until 12pm. He was going to make us pick up trash then let us go early but oh well, I didn't want to pick up garbage anyways, I am to fat to bend over and pick shit up, everytime I would bend over shit would be coming out of me! HAHAHAHA just kidding people...Well lets see After that me, Cody, and Alanzo all were waiting outside for our parent's well Alanzo was hoping he would get a ride from Cody's mom, but oh well. Well we were the last three and they wear getting cold and Cody figured his mom forgot so him and Alanzo started to walk, just as they started to walk away, my mom came, I started laughing because it was frezzing and they had to walk about 2-3 miles, plus up a hill. It was HILAROUS! Good times...I got home, and I asked my mom if she would give me money to the club she said no. I was like why not, she said why should she, because I got suspended, didn't go to school and I had saturday school. So yeah, I called Krista when I realized I couldn't go and I was already coxing a plan to go to the club, I basically already had enough money so I could pay my way in. So I was going to go to her house but my mom wouldn't let me, so I made a new plan, wait until 10:30 jump out my window then Krista comes pick me up we go to Albertson's change my Change in to Dollar bills. Then go. To my surprise my mom decided to go out, she thought I took sleeping pills but I didn't! hehehehe...So she left around 10:00pm, I was like hell yes PERFECT! I told Krista and she said well she was going to be alittle late because her mom wasn't home yet. So I waited, then finally she came, and I went to ALbertson's got our money we goofed off in the parking lot then we went to the club, all I need was a dollar witch I got. So when I got there of course I saw a lot of people I knew. Said hi to all, and then headed in. It was so fabolous! When I got in I started to dance with a few friends I haven't seen in over a month or so it was so great, so I danced with them then I saw my lovely friend (hot as well) Etienne, saw his lovely body art and gave him a hug. It was so wonderful, beginning of a perfect night. Well later on, I just traveled from one group of friends to another I loved it. I love being popular! So then I was hanging with Nancy and she was hanging with a girl named Danielle aka Danny and a boy named Corey. I have seen Corey a few times but never meet him, always thought he was quite hot and I have talked to Danny a few times. Well I soon meet up with all three and me and Corey kind of just hit it off, as you kids would say hehehe...We watched the Show together and all four of us were laughing and having a fun time watching it as well. (I put a dollar in Etienne's pants when he was performing hell yes I am cool) Anywho's! So then we all went to Nancy's car to get something then we hung out some more, then we went in to the bathroom had like a big bathroom talk thing which is ALWAYS fun, seriously! Then I had to look for Krista, and Corey had to look for Danny and Nancy because they left us alone for a while because they wanted to dance, so he found them really fast and I found Krista kind of as fast. Then we went back on the floor and I started to dance with Corey. It was great we were talking/dancing I think that is very entertaining. Then I leaned up against one of the polls and we started to make out (SCORE FOR THE JOSH MISTER!) It was quite hot, I so wanted to do more, but I am a good boy which respected people, and also had someone else on my mind. So I just left it at making out. Krista and them wanted to leave, so I told Nancy, Corey, and Danny to all give me there number which they did and I gave Corey mine, only becaused he asked, if he didn't I wouldn't. So yeah, then I left then we ran in to MARK (OH GOD POKE ME IN THE DAMN EYES, RIP MY BALLS OFF, AND KILL ME) So yeah...then we finally left then they took me home I climbed through my window and everything was gravy. Sunday- I didn't wake up until 3pm, I thought it was so funny my mom thought I went to bed around 10:30pm and I woke up at 3pm the next day COME ON! Oh well! More fun and mischeif I get into! So yeah, woke up made breakfast for myself. Then went in my room and basically hibernated all day, I did talk to Patrick, with I thought was great. I would of called my new friends but I left their numbers in a coat that I left in Krista's car. So yeah I only talked to him, it was good though. I never went to bed, I was up from 3pm until now you will see what time it is in a sec. Well yeah...so during the middle of the night I took a shower, got ready like 2 hours before I usually wake up. I tapped my folder because it is falling to pieces, and jsut watched t.v. and listened to music. Fun huh? Then I went to school... Monday- DEAR LORD! LONGEST DAY EVER! Well lets see Since I was up from 3pm till now (Right now it 8:30pm) I have been up for a total of almost 30 hours straight, no sleep! Yeah most of you (if you are ready this) would be like you need some sleep but the thing is I have been working on my fuckin' history project since I got home (2:30pm) until about 7:20pm. So I have been up dealing with that. I couldn't of done it without Tabetha though she is the one with the brains and helped me out SOOOO MUCH! So yeah, then I finally got the numbers from Krista, but my dear friends have bad hand writing so she could really make out all the numbers so she guessed well two of them aren't working, so I have to ask her to bring the piece of paper to me tomorrow because I can read really really bad hand writing so yeah...I can find out what the damn numbers are..So yeah..right now I am waiting for this damn computer to stop being so fuckin' stupid and pissing the shit out me! Okay htere we go. So yeah, I still have to go a whole bunch of Science, Geometry, and History homework. It's so tiring, especially because I have gotton no sleep, and plus I am going to wait until 11pm when Patrick gets off work, and HOPE that he will come over and see me since he hasn't in over a week, he said maybe he would but no promises. Hm.....Oh well....I don't know if I will go to school tomorrow I might be to exhausted to even open my fat eyes! Seriously! I am getting kind of cold and I am wearing a sweater weird. Oh well...So yeah there really isn't anything to write now, so I guess I will go now.. Bye bye people. Some of you should actually call me..not like I have a life or anything. CALL BITCHES! LEAVE COMMENTS TO YOU BITCHES! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T OR JUST NOT CARE EITHER ONE! Fairy J, aka Josh Mood: Exhausted, Tired, Bored,Lonely Music: "All the things she said" by T.A.T.U.

	2005.01.06  16.20 Goodbye's never last... Well Hello everyone, My last time I wrote in here was on New Years (1-1-05), It is now the 6th. Well lets start from Sunday shall we.... Sunday: I didn't go to sleep until like 6am, I woke up probably around 3 I believe, not sure. Then I just hung out with Krista, then she wasn't feeling good so she went to bed early. So I left her house about 8pm. I wasn't feeling good either but we had to different types of symptoms. My mom picked me up, I wasn't really in that happy of a mood, so I was just silent and then my mom started to talk to me about getting these really comfortable pillows, and I was like okay. When we got home I just went inside and I think I called my friend, but they didn't pick up so I just layed in bed thinking about things and how my life has been, and just a lot of things. I did fall asleep but only for two hours, (9pm-11pm) so then I just woke up watched t.v., thought somemore on the subjects I was thinking about earlyer, and preparing for school the next morning. Monday: Since I pulled basically an "All-nighter" I was ready for school about 6:30am, very early for me, I usually don't get up until like 7:10am. So I was ready and I was waiting for my brother and he mad me late. As usual. So in my class I was pretty dull, I was kind of in those weird moods were you are very sarcatic, pissy, happy, mad, sad, and hyper. I realized that I was actually passing 3 classes and Failing 3, I thought I was failing 4 and Passing 2. So that kind of made me happy. I actually did my work for Math. Most of my friends weren't at school so I was mostly being peaceful by myself. I had no one to pick me up from school so I just walked home, I went straight from 6th period (I got out at 2:05pm) and walked all the way to my house and I got home at around 3:00pm. If I would of jogged or something I know I could of been home a lot faster but I didn't have any good reason to go home nor to be anywhere else, so I just walked casually. When I got home I was up for like 30 more minutes then fell asleep, I was asleep from about 3:30pm- 12:00am. It felt so great to sleep my day away. My friend did call me when I was sleeping and I talked to him on his break (he was at work) then he had to go so I just fell back asleep. I was up for 4 more hours or so, then fell asleep for about 3 more hours and got up for school. Tuesday: I woke up, got ready, then got to school. In first period we were working on some project that I have not started nor have I even got to learn of what we are doing. So I just sat by the entry way of the Library waiting for the bell to ring, I got into some trouble because 1 minute before the bell rung I went through the metal detector and I was right next to the door and my teacher wanted me to go back and behind the metal detector, I refused because class was almost up, so he told me to go to the Sercuity Office, I did, the Sercuity Office serictary told me just don't be late for 2nd period and to go to class. Which I did. I was fine. I did skip my 4th period with some friends, and I skipped my 6th as well. Then my dear friend picked me up from school which I more then happily thanked him for. I asked if he was going to hang out at my house for alittle bit before he had to leave and he said yes. So when we got to my house we hung out, it was pretty entertaining, to say the least. After he left I just snuggled in my blanket and watched t.v. in my room, I feel asleep for a few hours, woke up and just watched more t.v. then fell asleep once again. Pretty fun huh? Wednesday: I woke up by my mom screaming at me, because I told her I didn't feel good and I didn't want to go to school, but she made me of course, I was late of course, so I kind of got in a little trouble. I did ge tmy admit because two days before Christmas break I didn't go to school. So I did that, and I was also informed that my Rude math teacher, Ms. Berry, was on leave because of doctors orders and then she is also going to have her baby in a few weeks. I was really happy about that. Then in 6th period I wasn't doing work, but then Mr. Southard started to personally help our group understand the activity that we were doing. I was so happy and proud of myself because for once I actually got what we were doing. Then Travis, one of the sercuity gards. Pulled me out of class and told me to go to Mr. Oman's office, the Vice Principle. Since I was on a happy note I was like okay, I knew what I was getting in trouble for, it was from the Library accident. So I went in there saw my dear friend Jackie, she told me why she was there and then Mr. Oman, told me to step into his office. I am now on a Boundary Probation, I can get my Boundary Acception REVOKED if I am tardy, or get one more unaccused absent. So there for I will probably be kicked out of Fort Vancouver HIgh School within the next week. I am surely sad, because really I have nothing to live for as of now, so loosing Fort which has all of my friends in it I will surely have absolutly nothing to live for. If any of you knew me when I was in 8th grade then you would of known of my plan of when I turned 20. Since I was extremely depressed I made a plan that by the age of 20 I was going to committee suicide, don't know why 20 but sounded like a good age. So then I was thinking since I have nothing to live for I might as well move 20 down to 17. I was thinking when they kick me out of Fort and make me go to Mt. View. I will just not go to school anymore, since I will not have a education there is no need for me in this world. So therefor I was thinking a lot about when I turned 17. The night before when I was up for a little time during the evening, I was thinking about my ex. (Sam), as you all know I am in love with Sam, no matter how much I deny it, or get with other people, or as many people frown upon me liking him, I do not care, I am in love with Sam, and probably always will be. Then for some reason when I was lying in my bed, around 9:30pm I got a phone call, to my major surprise it was Sam's number. I was thinking that he pressed the wrong number, because when I picked it up he hung up, I was thinking that when he noticed he was calling me he just hung up because we are supposed to be on a "none-talking-term". So I called him back to see if that was what it was or if he need something because I do have some of his stuff. So I called back he didn't pick up, so I tried again, still nothing so I left a message. Then my phone rang again 2 minutes later. It was Sam and he didn't hang up and we started to talk. Nothing has truely changed, when it comes to our feelings for each other. We were on the phone for about an hour, then he had to go and he wanted me to call him back later. Which I did. We talked for about another hour or two, then his newphew was getting up so he had to go. He told me, since I was suspend today (Thursday), he would try to come over during his lunch break. I said if he wants to then he can if not that is fine as well. Thursday (Today): I got a phone call at around 9:30am, it was Sam, he wanted to tell me that our mutrual friend Fili, couldn't drive him over to my house because he did not have the car. I thought it was genorous of him to inform that he was not coming over, better then me wondering if he was or was not. So he let me go, so I could go back to sleep. I woke up around 12pm or so. I just layed in bed watching t.v. and turning on my music every now and then. Then about an hour ago I got ready for a bath/shower. When I take Bath/ Shower it mostly takes up around 1-2 hours of my day. I think it is most relaxing and wonderful. About 20 minutes into my Bath my mom knocked on my door to inform me that her and my mom friend who lives with us, were going to go to the Chiropratcor (spelling) and do a few things then will be back, I asked before they left if I could go on the computer after I was done, Jacie said yes, until we get back, so I asked how long are they going to be gone. My mom said probably between 30 minutes-1 hour. I said well I wont be done with this until approxiamently around hour and a half to two hours. My mom asked why would I be in the shower so long and I told her I was in the bath she said oh, and then left. So I was in there for about 5 minutes then I decided if this is my only chance to be on the computer then I might as well use it and then after I am done with the computer I will just finish my Bath/Shower. So then I got on here and just started to update. That is were we are now. Thoughts on things: Well lately I have been feeling really lonely, used, sad, depressed, angry, upset, hyper, happy, all in all just very extremely moody, but more on the sad side. I have tried to get with people, yet I get turned down, then my ex called me and in a way that really helps because he is the only person right now that I want to see, hear from, and be with. Yet bad because now I have been thinking more of him. I am so confused about things, and once again my life is plumiting. My family life is starting to grow farther apart, same with my friends, because I just don't want to be around anyone anymore. My school life is one of the worst right now, not only because I am failing 3 classes but because I might be kicked out of the school, that I most sadly say, is the only thing truely good in my life. To top it off, my relationship life is close to being nothing but air in the wind that is moving out of this country. I truely don't know what to do, where to go, how to deal, what to say. Nothing, I am blank. I want to leave this world, yet I want to be here to exsperience everything, with as many people I can. I don't want to miss the birthday's, the laughs, the fights, the cry's, the parties, the hang outs with friends, the sleep over, the success when we get older, and then go to our class reuion and see how people have changed and what everyone is up to. There just so much, but right now things are just getting to hard to deal and to understand. I just don't know more, truely I don't. I can't fix what I have done...... Well since I know millions of you are complaining or just not looking at this because it is so long, but if you are one of the few who did read please committee. I think it would be truely great to see. Well have a wonderful day everyone. Tears will not stop coming, Fairy J, aka Josh Mood: Indescribable, and Moody Music: Nothing, the sound I of my typing.

	2005.01.01  18.54 Life is truely hard.... Hey Kids, Well lets see, nothing really big has happened. I don't remember when was the last time I posted something so lets just go with Thursday... Thursday-I got back from Etienne's at like 8pm. It was very fun at his house. Then I went home and I just chilled got online, and ate alittle, then Puma came over, and we hung out for ahile but then he felt dizzy and sick so we went in my room and he fell asleep. I told him I would wake him up at like 5am so he can go back home and go to sleep there and so he wont get introuble with his parents because he kind of sneaked out. So I fell asleep for two hours and then woke him up, he left and I was up for like3 hours, because I took a shower, watched some T.v., ate alittle, then I fell asleep. Friday-I woke up at like 3pm or so. Then I got up and called a few people to see what I was doing that night for New Years Eve. Went on the computer, kind of got in a arguement with a friend, if you have seen myspace you would of understood. Oh well, things are slightly better now. I went to the club last night for New Years Eve, with Jie, Josh, Nancy, B and a few other friends. It was great. But they all left me at like 1am and I wasn't leaving until 3am so I was kind of there by myself for two hours. It was sad. Oh well. Then when I was on my way home I felt sick, kind of like I need to puke but didn't, and I also had a headache. So I took some pills, went on the computer for awhile and then I went to bed. Saturday-I woke up at noon to call Puma because I told him yesterday that I would. So I did. Then I fell asleep, but like 20 minutes later Krista woke me up and told me to get up because breakfast was ready, we had Pancakes, Bacon, and Eggs. So I woke up ate then got on the computer, then got dressed because me, Patrick, and Krista went to the Mall. The mall was stupid, immature and very over-rated. So I really didn't like it. Oh well, then I went home to go get my mom's Atm card, to go to the ATM machine and get money, so I did that then I took back the card went back to Krista's and got on the computer, then me and Krista was trying to find out what we were going to wear to the club. So we did that, Krista got some pizza and we ate that and that is basically up to speed. Later me, Krista, Patrick, Carlos, and maybe Puma, are all going to the club but I am not sure about Puma. We will see. As most of you know my nick-name was "J to the O to the SHHH" but a few people didn't like that and also my friends decided to change it to something else. My NEW nick-name is "Fairy J". So if you people start calling me that then I will respond. Well I guess this is a long entry so I will leave now. Bye people.... *Happy New Year Everyone* Muah Fairy J Mood: Blah, Bored, Anxious, Worried. Music: T.v.

	2004.12.30  22.30 Nothing important..... Well lately nothing really exciting has been happening, I was kind of having a crappy week because like everybody who I talked to was being like extremely ignorant/stupid. So they just pissed me off. So I was trying to sleep or hide myself from society, kind of, as much as I could. Well yesterday I went over to Etienne's and spent the night. It was pretty cool. Krista and her Patrick, took me over there and we got directions from MapQuest and yeah but us in a different place, because the street we want had to different segments, so yeah it put us in a wrong area so I called him and we found the right way. At his house we watched movies, chilled, talked, listened to music, looked at magazine's, it was pretty eventful and fun. Then today we woke up watched a little t.v., then went over to Subway and also got a movie from BlockBusters. We rented Resident Evil Apgolipse (I don't think I spelt that right but most of you should know what I mean). It was a good movie, and Subway, PSHH SUBWAY IS ALWAYS GOOD! (Thanks for getting me Subway Etienne). Well yeah then we chilled some more and a while ago me and him planned, that whenever I came over we would have Coffee and Coffee talk. So we went over to the closest Coffee place, I baught him Some Chi tea thing that tasted like Ginger Bread man, and Pumpkin Pie..lol....and I had a Carmel Fudge Mocha, it was WAY to Carmely so I didn't really drink it. (Waste of like Three bucks, oh well). Then we got it and went back to his place and drank it there. It was fun. So we just hung out and I was trying to get a hold of my mom to come get me and she finally got me around like 8 something. I came home and I was going to use the phone but my mom wanted to talk forever, so Jacie (the chick who lives with us) let me on the computer, and I made plans to hang out with my friend later. So yeah I am just waiting tell they come over. I am kind in an angry mood for some reason so I just hope that when they come over I wont take it out on them, but if they act stupid then they should just of not came over, oh well. Well I guess I will go now, because there really isn't anything else to write so yeah bye bye... Josh Ps. I am also going to the club Tomrrow (Friday) and Saturday. Kind of sad but it will be fun, the people who I am going with both days (they are two different people I am going with on the two days) are really cool and I know I will have lots of fun. If you can you should go.....Hope to see you there or talk to you later people...bye Mood: Irritated, Annoyed, Grumpy Music: None, T.v. (ER)

	2004.12.27  18.29 Confused and not desired! Lets see.... Well I got back from my grandma's yesterday (Sunday) around 3pm. I called Puma and he said that he would hang out with me after he did a few things, but he ended up falling asleep, I mean I can't blame him because he was up over 24 hours so, he slep for like 4 hours or so, then called me and he came over, he stayed until 11pm, and he left. After that I just sat in my room ate a little, then just turn my music on and found a few c.d.'s with really good songs on them so I started to sing to them and be cool in my own little world! It was fun. The only thing is I was so Horny! Gross to some of you reading I know but I don't care I was, I mean I got a little frisky with Puma, and ended up cumming, but for some reason after he left I just got more horny, so yeah I ended up masterbating two more times, in like less then 6 hours I cummed, 3 times. Wow that was a lot for me, I mostly jsut go once and then I am set for a while.....Hmm..... NOTE: As you can obviously tell I am not ashamed of what I do, because if you are ashamed of something you did, then you shouldn't of done it. Also I am not afraid to say what I did. If you didn't want to know about it then you shouldn't be ready my blogs/journal entries. These have what I do during the day/ what I think. If you don't like it, don't complain to me, just don't read. Thanks... So yeah.....I didn't go to bed until around 4am I believe, how sad I know...I woke up around 1pm I think, not sure on that one either. Then I watched a little t.v. there was really nothing on, so I turned on my music, started to sing again, then turned it down and called Puma. He didn't pick up, but then he called me around 3:15pm or so. He came by to tell me he missed, me and hi. I thought it was really sweet. In a way I just hope I don't fall for him. I mean it would be good, because I can actually picture us being something, more then just a short term thing (if we ever went out), but I don't want to go through the same heart-ache I did with Sam. That seriously can ruin a person if it constently happens. I just don't know...I would like to go out with Puma, but he has some things he needs to figure out, then we can. I know he likes me a lot and that is great, but I don't want to be just friends with benfits. I mean we are like boyfriends, with out the title! I just don't know I am very confused. I also like Etienne, but I do not know if things would work out. For a couple of reason... -We both don't drive, well he does, but he doesn't have his lisence yet. -He Cheats (Or as done in the past and admitted that he doesn't know if he would say "no" if some tried to do things) -He is really busy, it would be hard to fit me in his schedule. I just don't know. Etienne is really good person to talk to, and to really have one of those deep conversations, and to relate to. Puma, is a good person to have a good time with, and some what good to talk to. I can't ask any of my friends to help me deside who I should be with. No of them know both of them. I have been trying to pick this whole time by myself. It really does suck. I think I might be leaning more towards Puma. Hmm....Only time will tell... So yeah....tonight I don't think I am doing anything, I might see if Puma wants to spend the night but I doubt he can for a few reason. I will still ask, he probably will come over though later. So that will still be good. Well this is a long entry I guess. If you minused all the spaces, maybe not. Oh well....I guess I will go....Talk to you people later.... Josh! Mood: Irritated, Annoyed, Confused Music: "The Trouble With Love Is" by Kelly Clarkson

	2004.12.25  18.00 All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuuuuuu........ Hey people, Well, Merry Christmas, to you all. I hope you all got what you wanted. I didn't really like what I got, besides like half of it, but I am not complanning because I didn't ask for anything, so since I didn't ask for anything I can not complan. So yeah well here's everything I got.. -Microscope (Don't really need because I never would use one) -Watch with Aftershave (Don't really need a new watch because I love mine, and I don't shave with a razor so no need for that) -Magnetic Calendar (It's kind of kidding, but cute, I kind of need it but not really) -$30 (I love that MONEY!!! ::It's going to be gone less then a few days::) -$10 Gift Certificate to Wal-mart (HELL FUCKIN' YES WAL-MART BITCHES! I am going to go get me something cool from Wal-Mart, I don't know why people dis on Wal-mart, it's such a cool store, I think they are just some stupid bitches who are jelous!) -3 new lip rings (WONDERFUL, I love my lip being pierced, I am probably going to go buy more lip rings with my 30 dollars! YAY) -I got Candy a few days ago from Chris G. (Thanks I love candy, your still my best friend in my heart) -I got 3 different bags of candy, a bed softener thingy, sheets, and pillow cases from MY sis Krista. I think I am getting something from, Etienne, Tabetha, and maybe something from Patrick. So Yeah for the most part I am happy, I dearly thank everybody who gave me gifts. Well I hope all of you got what you wanted, and maybe more. Go grab some miseltoe and KISS me baby! hehehe..Seriously though..Kiss me! hehe. Well I am still at my Grandma's I was supposed to come home today but my (stupid) step-dad wants to spend another night. I mean I love being with my grandma, grandpa, and my great grandma, but I had plans, and I don't like canceling them. So I was kind of mad about that, so I have been on the computer saying Merry Christmas, to people, and telling people that I can't do things because I wont be in the same city. So yeah....well I should be home tomorrow, so maybe I will do things with people then...Well yeah I don't know what else to write so I am going to go.....Merry Christmas all..... MUAH Josh Mood: Annoyed, Upset, Bored, Sad Music: No music, family talking in the other room!

	2004.12.23  21.48 Wings like Angels! Well let's see...it's been quiet a while since I have up dated...So let's just start with last Saturday.... Saturday- I woke up and I was kind of having a bad day, but then my friend Jye called and told me that she would take me to the club, so I was EXTREMELY excited about that and so the rest of the day I was happy, so I went to Krista's got ready I wore my wings to the club, which a lot of people liked. Anyways, I did have a little drama with David and Josh, because they both are EXTREMELY STUPID! I am done with Josh by the way, and unlike him I actually mean it. I did get hit on a little, I thought it was sweet but I didn't want any of them I have two people I already like so........then I went home with Krista, Carlos and Krista's mom. Sunday- I just layed around, my throat hurt really bad, like it hurt really bad to swollow anything, even my spit. So I just layed in bed took a lot of throat stuff and some relieve medicain (sp). Monday- I stayed home I didn't want to go to school.....I basically didn't do anything besides watch t.v. and lay in bed. Tuesday- Same as Monday.... Wednesday- I woke up and my lovely friend Etienne came over, I WAS SO EXCITED BEFORE I WENT AND SAW HIM! Seriously I was like what am I DOING! So yeah...then we came to my place, we had our talks, our laughs, and our fun, then my other friend Puma, came over, and joined our great fun. It was really ackward for me for them both to be there since I liked them both but what could I DO!? They both spent the night, how things ended up going, I don't know if I really wanted to happen, while we were all trying to go to bed, Etienne looked like he had something on his mind and I wanted to know what but I didn't want Puma to know, but I couldn't just go off in another room because I was affraid he would think I was doing things with him. I didn't want to hurt anybodies feelings, PSSHH IT'S SO FUCKIN' HARD JESUS! So yeah, he whispered some of it in my ear, but I know he didn't tell me all, I will call him tomorrow and talk about it, hopefully. So yeah...that was just hard. Sunday-Today- I woke up ever now and then. My brother was playin' his bass really loud so I got up and yelled at him then layed back down. Then Etienne's mom came over to pick him up. Then me and Puma hung out. Then he had to leave because he had to get ready for work. At his house. So yeah, then my power went off and so I was like fuck this I am going to get some more sleep bitches! So that is what I did. Then I woke up re-set all my clocks, and radio, and then listened to music, watched a little t.v. then got on the computer. Yay that is what I am doing now. Well Puma is coming over soon, and I asked if he would buy me a Grill Stuff Burrito thingy because I want to taste that..it looks really good..HEHEHE...so yeah..well talk to you later.... Josh Mood: Calm, Bored, Concerned,Excited Music: "Superwoman" by Lil' Mo and Fabolous

	2004.12.15  18.02 Waited all my life..... Lets see..... I didn't go to school today, because I didn't go to bed until like 4am I was really sad for some reason, I have like no reason because for the most part things have been going good, nothing to really complain about. I don't know but like I got woken up to go do something and then all of a sudden I got really really sad. It was really weird, then I just went to bed, and my mom tried to wake me p a few times to go to school but I was just like I will wait until the last moment and then just put on my backpack an dhat and leave, but when my brother told me he was leaving I just layied there and didn't move. So I slept until like 1:50pm, because I had to call Puma to tell em' that I am not at school and if he still wanted to hang later then he could come over and get me, but he said that he had to do things with his mom and do a few things that he had to go get and stuff, so I was like okay, I did my lundray/ took a shower. Then I got on the computer, and yeah...Puma got on said he didn't feel good and said we probably wont hang later, and I was like okay. So I guess I am not doing anything. YAY! How fun...I think I want to start a party, I already R.S.V.P.ed myself. Oh wait why would I have to do that when I am the only one coming to this. Hmmmm...??? Oh well...I will probably go to gay school tomorrow, god I still have two days of school this week! FUCK I WANT TO DROP OUT! I hate how this world makes you have to go to school for your whole existence then when you have enough knowledge for everything you die! FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUCK SOCIETY! FUCK THIS WORLD! FUCK OUR PRESIDENT! <---I had to put that in there. Oh well....I will get over it one day when I die. lol..Anyways, yeah I am just waiting for dinner to be done and then I will probably just go watch t.v. and be depressed (more then I already am). So yeah, later people...someone should call me tonight....also people LEAVE FUCKIN' MESSAGES! I know a few of you are but everyone who reads just leave a message I don't care it what it is, you can even leave a message saying how shitty/ugly/stupid/depress/ or dwumb I am I don't care just leave me a message! Thanks! Loves, Josh Mood: Chrushed, Lonely, Sad, Curious Music: "Pop" by *NSYNC

	2004.12.14  21.04 So far so good! Hey people, How are all of you? I am good, life hasn't been good, but it hasn't been that bad! So, today I had a really big stomach ache, like from 1 all the way until lunch (basically like 4 periods later). I almost went home but I knew if I went home I could hang out with my friend. So yeah..I didn't I got better hung out with him and then we went over to my HOT friend Tabetha's. She didn't go to school, nor did Krista, I was so alone. :(...So yeah, I talked to Sam Sunday night for alittle and alittle today. For some reason, I liked it but didn't at the same time. It was really weird, because I have so many old habits with him like saying I love him, miss him, and just a lot of things. I don't know in a way I am getting over him, in a way I don't want to but do at the same time. I know when he fully gets over me that will be it. I think not only for us ever getting back together but it as in friends. I really don't know. My friend is making that easier, I am kind of in a weird poistion because I like 3 people, Sam (obviously), Etienne, and Puma (not his real name but that is his nickname). So yeah I don't know I think Etienne likes other people more then me, so I don't know if he wants to continue things, I am kind of confused about him by itself. Then Sam lets face it not going to happen until like 3-4 years if that..and Puma I like him and I believe he likes me a lot but I am not sure, and I kind of want to go out but not sure about that. Wow I am so confused! I don't like being confused! Tit's (ahaha Puma you're the only one who gets that), so confusing! DAMN DAMN DAMN! Oh well I will figure things out in do time. I really want to go to the club this Saturday because I borrowed my friends wings with a bowa and I borrow a hot neckilace from Tabetha and I really want to wear the wings there I will be like a bird! HELL FUCKIN' YES! I wonder what will happen because I want to go with Puma, but I don't know if he would want to go with me, and I know that if I go and Etienne is there I might flirt with him or something, or if Puma, is there then I would feel bad because I would TOTALLY be all over Puma, not Etienne, I don't like hurting people, unless it's on purpose! So yeah I guess I am going to go and talk more to Puma I think we might hang out later! HOW COOL! I love doing things I am not suposed to it feels so spontanous and exciting, lol it actually makes me kind of horny, sad huh??? Later people!!! LMFAO! The kooky kid named, Josh Mood: Anxious, Bored, Nervous,Lonely Music: "This I promise you" by *NSYNC

	2004.12.11  17.15 What is going to come? Hey everyone, What's up everyone? Well lately I have kind of been feeling Etienne. For all of you, I don't mean I have been feeling him like touching but feeling like, showing interest. So yeah, he is really sweet. We have this thing were we always joke around and stuff I find it hilorious (spelling). One thing though is about my weight, I mean I know we are just kidding around but like it just bothered me when he said something about it, like being fat, because I got on cam and I was like I look fat and he was like yeah you do...and he didn't say anything like just kidding after it, but I know he was, and then later I got up and then I cam back and he wasn't paying attention so I flashed him (my stomach, don't be dirty bitches!). Then finally he looked and I type fat...and he was like no your actually skinny so... yeah I felt better I guess. I don't even know why it bothers me, I have like a fear of weight gain, like maybe I think that if I get fat or something then people wont like me? Who knows, I am so weird! So yeah, lately I have been meeting a lot of people on myspace. It's so cool! I am starting to love myspace. Yeah I might hang with my friend Carrie and Patrick Monday, it will be fuckin' great. I would try to get with him but one I am starting to like Etienne, and want something to work in that department, and also Carrie really likes him and I asked her if she would be mad if I did anything with Patrick and she said Yes because she is like madly in love with him, and he doesn't know. Yeah anyways, and he is kind of question his sexuality I was going to help, but don't want to ruin a friendship, and also Etienne is better. He is hilorous (spelling). So yeah, I have ten bucks to go to the club but I don't have a ride and I don't really like to ask people to give me rides for some reason, I want a ride from Krista but she said she doesn't know if she is going to go....and I really wish she would know so then I would know what I am doing, but I told my friend Patrick if I don't go out then we should hang and he said yeah. So either way I will end up doing something...lol...but anyways...I guess I am going to go......Hope to talk to you guys later, also leave me a message/comment. Thanks... Love, Josh! Mood: Curious, Bored, Lonely, Sick.. Music: "Soldier" by Destiny's Child

	2004.12.10  22.29 Something that really describes me! Hey this really describes me so please read!!! Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?" August Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless.Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends .

	2004.12.10  22.01 Psshh... Well...I just wanted to say Etienne you are a freakin' sexy man! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF IN UNAPPROPRAITE PLACES! hehehhehehe.....you better go tomorrow or I will kick you! lol...just kidding..or am I.... Well people, I am hyper for some reason, today has actually been a really good day, well there was one minus but that's okay...but yeah I am going to be on for awhile and then get off and probably go to bed or something who knows! Later people, Josh... Mood: Cheerful, Curious, Wondering. Music: "Scrub" by TLC

	2004.12.10  18.53 Getting better... Hey everyone, Well lately, I am doing a lot better than how I was. I am slowly getting over Sam, I mean I still truely love him, but I know it's better for me to get over him and move on because he wants April now, and we can't be together because of his parent's. So yeah I kind of a crush on someone but I don't know if it will turn into anything. I doubt it. So yeah....School, has been much better. I have been doing all of my work, and turning it in. I am trying to get really good grades, because then my mom might give me a cell phone and a computer. That would be like fuckin GREAT! So yeah. I have been doing that. I also have been talking to my ex. Josh lately, it feels really good to talk to him because he is my only friend who will listen to EVERY word I say without saying something to interupt me or not listen or distract himself or something. So it just makes me feel good to let things go and out to someone who I trust, better than holding it in or telling someone who either doesn't give a damn and doesn't listen or some stranger. So yeah I really thank Josh for his help and making me feel a little better and a preciated! Well yeah I don't know what else to say so yeah I guess I will go. PEOPLE FUCKIN' leave me comments. GEEEZZZZ!!!! I feel so unloved! So yeah bye bye people! Love, Josh! Mood: Confused, lonely, corious. Music: "1,2 step" by Ciara

	2004.12.07  23.18 Speechless.... Well... Lets see, since Sam's parent's made us split. I have been sadder. I barely ever talk to him. I miss him so uch I seriously fell for him. I really don't care if nobody liked him. I liked him so much. People might think it was fake but if it was fake why would I care so much, be sad so much, and want ot be with him so much. Everyone knows that when I break up with someone I basicaly will get over them in like the next day or so. I don't want to get over Sam. I just want him to come back. I have his beenie and his jacket, and two notes he gave me, and I clentch them so much and hold them in my hands just hoping he will come back. I told him I would do anything, change anything about me, but he said that he wouldn't want me to change because he fell in love with the person I am now. He loved me for my flaws and everything. I want him back so much, I am trying to get over him but the other guys that I show interest in I basically can't get with them. One guy lives in Portland, but I don't have a car so I can't go see him, and he is grounded from his car because he got in trouble a while ago. Also we are both broke so we can't do much. I don't want to rush things because maybe I could actually like him but who knows. I don't even think he likes me, I think he probably thinks I am a fraek and the only thing that is good about me is that I am hot, I guess. Maybe he just wants to get ass or something. Who knows, I am trying to not call or be to clingy. I know that like turns off people, and make them really not like me. Yeah anyways, the other person, lives in Kelso, but he told me it wouldn't really work, because we would barely ever see eachother, and just stuff. I don't know. Then Darreck on Saturday, tried to get with me. I am seriously like everybodies rebound. Don't date Josh, just use him when ever you need ass or if you just need to get over someone. Oh and don't forget to make him like you then tell him he was just a piece of ass, you never liked him, and that he is annoying, stupid, ignorant, ugly, and obsessed. God I wish I didn't make a promise, for you who know what I promised, then that statement will obviously make since to you. Well yeah..I got to go because my mom is making me get off...oh wait.....School...well I got my report card, I got 2 F's, 2 D's. 1 B-, 1 A-. I thought I was going to fail four classes but I only failed two. Yay! My school like is pretty shitty, I am always sleepy, because I can never sleep, I am always sad, I am very quite, I always keep to myself, I never really show emotion besides unhappiness, but lately I have been putting on a fake smile for everyone. So they wont worry. I don't know, my life is so stressful, depressing, I just want to give up, throw in the towel, and end everything. I hate making promises! I just don't know what to do anymore, I seriously don't I know I need some medicational help, but I don't want to go get it, I mean I know it would help but I just don't know anymore. DAMN ME! Well yeah. my mom is making me get off the computer, becaues she wants on and I am going to go call Josh....and talk to him for a while. So yeah well talk to you people later, oh yeah...everyone know my last entry that is kind of like a poem, well go into those comments and read what someone wrote and what I wrote back to them it is really good! Well bye everyone! The suicidal one, Josh! Mood: Depressed,lonely,scared,hurt! Music: "Truth is" by Fantasia

	2004.12.04  11.48 Just wanted to be there I just wanted to be there when you were in need, I just wanted to be there when you wanted to talk, I just wanted to be there when you wanted to love, I just wanted to be there when you decide to try, I just wanted to be there when you had my heart, I just wanted to be there when you grew up. I just wanted to be there when you looked in to my eyes and knew I was the one. I just wanted to be there to say I love you! -Josh Mood: crushed,depressed,heartbroken

	2004.11.30  18.44 Will happiness prevail? Hello Everyone, What's up? Well in the last 67 hours I have gotten about 16 hours of sleep, and been up for 51 hours, no not straight, but thats not a lot of sleep if you really think about it. So yeah, this morning when I got school I got there right when the first warning bell rang, so I got to class right on time. In History (1st period) we are freakin' learning stupid shit about the two homosexual pioniers, Lewis and Clark. It's so stupid, whatever. In English (2nd period) we are doing things with poems, and actually I am like one of the better of the class, I think that is sad, because I mean if you ever read the shit I write it's so bad that my dog could probably do better, lol, jk..So yeah, I also have a B- in that class I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT SERIOUSLY! Then in geometry (3rd period) we had a quiz and turned in our projects, if I don't get an A on that fuckin' project I will flip the biggest bitch, she will think I am the one that is pregnant and on metapause! LOL! Then I had lunch, but since 3rd my stomach was really hurting, I was thinking it was because I was hungry so I ate, but then it just got worse, so like not even 10 minutes into 4th I asked to leave, and she was like where to, and I was like to the bathroom, and she was like ok but hurry back, and I was like okay, so I went to the C.A. (for you who don't know what that is it's the Communitcations Academy, its in the corner of my school) and asked him if he would take me home because I didn't feel good, and so he did because he knows he has to, because my mom can't because she is at work and she would make him if he didn't! So yeah...then when I got home I didn't have my key and my brother already left to go back to school so I didn't have any way of getting in! So I waited for over like 30 minutes for the girl who lives with us to get home, freakin' I was so cold. Then I got in side went to my room and sat in front of my heater, and watched t.v. I did that until like 3 something when I called Sam my Star. Then I talked to him for awhile, then got on the computer then had to get off because my mom was home and then I kind of feel a sleep for less than an hour because I felt sad because of reasons. Then I woke up and asked if I could go on the computer, and have been ever since. I am really hungry and cold! LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!!! So yeah, right now I am kind of thinking about things and stuff. In a way I really don't want to go to school for a while like I feel so fake when I am there. Seriously, because I can't get in trouble so I am always acting happy and letting people basically walk all over me, and I put on a happy face for all my friends because I don't want them to ask me what's wrong and stuff like that. I don't know why because they are my friends and stuff but I don't know I ust don't want to burden them..So yeah...my stepdad and mom are buying me Taco Bell now I am happy hehehehehhehehehehe! God FOOD!!!!!!!!! Well yeah so I have nothing to really talk about so yeah....I hope to talk to some of you people later...Tata for now! J to the O to the SHHH!!! aka...Josh! Ps.... me and Krista are for the most part not fighting anymore, we kind of avoiding it but oh well atleast we are talking again. Mood: Cold, hungry, lonely, sad. Music: None, the T.v.s in the house and me typing!